Post comments here, if you wish!!
My storybook, a reproduction of Cupid and Psyche, taking place in a lion pride, is here, if and when you want to view it. :)
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Hi Chrystal, I just wanted to say thanks for the feedback you gave me last week on my story planning. You offered very good points that did influence my end result. Like you also said, the word limit did really make me refine the story, so it did help me cut out the unnecessary parts.
ReplyDeleteI'd also love for you to read the finished story and to get feedback on it!
DeleteHi Chrystal! I just read the introduction to your storybook and now I am really looking forward to reading the real thing. You were definitely correct when you said not all of us would be familiar with the original story of Cupid, because I am definitely one of those who just assumes he is associated with love and Valentine's Day. I look forward to learning more about Cupid in your representation of the story. I like how you are planning to keep the story similar to the original, as well as adding your own touch. I know this is supposed to be a feedback comment, but I didn't noticed too much you need to change yet! The only thing I was a little confused about is how the first paragraph talks about animals and then cats/animals aren't mentioned again during the rest of the introduction. Are the characters in the story cats? If so maybe keep that consistent throughout the rest of the intro!
ReplyDeleteHey Jamie. I edited the intro just a little and added "based on Cupid and Psyche" to the first paragraph so it now says that I previously wrote "a story of a lion pride based on Cupid and Psyche". I also changed the character descriptions to state that Cyrilla is a LIONESS based on Psyche, Amorolite is a LIONESS based on Aphrodite, and Enoc is a LION based on Eros. Maybe that will make it a little clearer for other readers!! =) Thanks for your input.
DeleteHi Chrystal! Before even starting to read this story, the first thing I noticed is that I love the background for your story. It reminds me a lot of the Lion King and is very cool. However, it is hard to read the text that is on top of it. I'm specifically talking about the middle section where the sun is shining particularly bright. I do not know the full stories of these two characters so I am looking forward to reading about it in the future once you start writing your stories. I really look forward to reading about cupid in a non-Valentine's day setting. The added layer that the characters will be lions and not human I think will add even more interest to the story, as we do not know what lions are really thinking. As I've never heard of Psyche, this will all be new to me. You might want to add more information about that character into the introduction.
ReplyDeleteHey Kasandra. I tried to get the readability adjusted the best I could but that one little section just wouldn't cooperate. I hope it isn't too bad to read for everyone, because I really love that image! I'm trying to make sure any other images I use work well for reading text over the images. If I add too much about Psyche it will kind of ruin the overall story (I actually had a bit more and it was removed during my initial revision because I wanted to leave a bit more mystery to the story), so I hope that I wrote enough to keep people's interest in the story without being too vague. Thanks so much!
DeleteI read this story when it was first posted, so it was cool to see how it’s changed to become a longer-form story.
ReplyDeleteThe single best addition to the first part (not the intro—I’ll come back to that) is the way you explain how Amoralite came to be exalted as a goddess. This is a very good way to show a glimpse into how the pride operates, and it opens up many possibilities and questions to expand on later. For example, is Amoralite the only goddess? Is this a common practice for the main pride? Do they have a pantheon of living and/or dead lions that they worship? And on that note, how do their gods interact with the other lions, and how do they impact pride life?
In terms of everything you have right now—the intro and first chapter—I think the most helpful thing you could do is to set the stage more with description. You’ve dived into the story and a lot has already happened, which is great. But I don’t have a sense of where or who the lions are yet, save Amoralite. This could be in the intro or the first part, but you could describe the savannah, the pride, their living spaces, how they interact and even how they talk/communicate with each other. A little later on in the storybook, you could talk about their rules and conventions. You could even mention their daily work as a backdrop for other story events—hunting, sleeping, everything like that. I also love stories with animals, and I think these details are the ones that really make those kinds of stories breathe.
Hey Taylor. Thanks for the input. I actually hope to add in more details of that nature later on but as silly as it sounds, I want it to be accurate. I'm a little OCD when it comes to that type of stuff, so I want to do some research before putting things, such as how the pride really interacts into the story for instance, into the story. I also am not extremely familiar with environments in Africa, although I'm sure my idea of that is probably accurate.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the heart felt comment. :)
What a unique idea! I really love the background of your intro, but it gets a little difficult to see the white font against the yellow areas. I can see this as a great way of incorporating your love of cats and animals! In a way, I felt it was a little redundant mentioning Cupid and Psyche in the beginning. Condensing the first sentence in the second paragraph would be better since you did mention that you were going to expand on it already. Maybe, “I found the original story, Cupid and Psyche, very enthralling and oddly relatable.” Another small thing, more info and description on the characters would help because it’s hard to understand Psyche’s role. These are just small things that are hopefully helpful. Overall, the concept is great and I like where this is heading! I am excited to see how your stories develop throughout this semester!
ReplyDeleteThank you Sheena!!
DeleteWow, Chrystal, this is such a unique and fun storybook idea! I absolutely love it, especially because I was absolutely obsessed with the Lion King growing up. I really like that you prepare readers for what is to come in the introduction, paired with a perfect image that represents the theme, in such a fun way.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your writing style and method of introducing the characters and ways of the pride. It was cool that you broke it up into several parts because that allowed you to jump around and give readers some back story. My favorite part was learning about how Amoralite became the goddess of fertility because I was nervous for her after she became pregnant (it made me think of the Virgin Mary and how she was looked down at first) but I love that people worshiped her for it!
I also really liked the names and how you added your own flair to the names from the original source story. Very cool idea and the names were fitting. The only thing I am confused on is which character represents which in the original story- is Cyrilla representative of Psyche? I am curious to see what happens to her and why she leaves the pride, so I will definitely be checking back in to your story once you've written more. Thanks for a fun read and awesome job!
Thank you Katie!
DeleteHello! Nice background on the introduction page; I haven't seen that on anyone's blog before. I enjoyed reading your story a few weeks ago, so you've already gotten my interest by going more in-depth with the concept of Cupid and Psyche (I also have not heard of that). I do enjoy that your introduction explains your thoughts on the concept and the mindset behind the story, but I think it would be better to expand on the plot more, rather than having the last few sentences really go into it.
ReplyDelete"there was no avoiding loves alluring pull"
I believe there should be an apostrophe for love.
Good job setting up the story! I like how it was split up, but it still tied together smoothly. The ending was nice too and left the reader wondering. The names are very nice and thoughtful. I think it'd be interesting if you went into more detail about Cyrilla! Like maybe explain why she wants to be left alone or go more in-depth about how she turned away a potential mate and how her people reacted.
Nice work!
Thank you, Kaylen. :)
DeleteThis was such an important story to read although I wonder how she got impregnated without ever mating with another lion. Your story explained everything really well so there was not much room for questions although I am very curious as to what happens with the leaders daughter. It says that he will eventually follow the ways of lions but she will also soon disappear. How? What happens to her? I wonder why she wants to be alone all the time? Did something happen to make her that way? I think that if you explained or showed us how she rejected the lions or showed us their reaction we would be able to picture it more often.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Shruti!!
DeleteHi Chrystal, my name is Tyler from Indian Epics. I really enjoyed reading your story. It was very intriguing to read about a fathers love for his family in this story. I also liked that your story was being walked through the life of a lion pride. This made the story much more interesting to me and made me want to read more, because I love lions. If there is one thing that I think that you should fix up is the last paragraph of your first story. It didn’t seem to flow as much as the rest of the story and there were many colons that I wasn’t sure why they would be there; they didn’t seem to make sense to me. But other than that the story was a great read and very interesting. I am looking forward to reading more of your stories as the semester moves on. Good luck on the rest of your storybook.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tyler. I will read through the end again and see if I can find any ways to improve the story. :)
DeleteHey Chrystal!
ReplyDeleteFirst things first I loved the use of different backgrounds to break up the story! I found myself as I was reading going back to looking at the bright green and brown! I have never seen someone do that before so good job! In terms of your story I found myself also relating it back to Virgin Mary! I recognized the story from one I had written earlier in the semester so I really liked your spin on it and using lions!I was a little confused about the 2 separate story titles though. I was not sure if I was reading 2 stories or one and found myself going back to double check! Using one story title and focusing detail into that could have been less confusing than to break it up into parts! Overall I really enjoyed your story and can not wait to read more! Good Luck!
Thank you for your input. The separate titles are supposed to be like miniature chapter headings. :) I like how it kind of breaks up the story but maybe I can figure out a way of making it more clear that it's all the same story. Thanks again.
DeleteHi, Chrystal!
ReplyDeleteI have actually already commented on your Storybook before, so I went back and reread your introduction and intentions for your project. It was fun to look at how you developed your first story describing the ways of the pride after looking through your introduction and seeing how you wanted to tell your story. I am excited to hear about how Enoc, who picks which lions and lionesses are bitten by the "love bug", falls for Cyrilla himself, turning the tables on how things usually work! I really like the lion theme you have because I absolutely adored the Lion King growing up and think this is such a fun and unique way to tell the story of Cupid and Psyche (which I also love).
I really look forward to reading your story as it develops more and can't wait to see the love story of Cyrilla and Enoc unfold and what Amoralite thinks of it!
Best of luck writing!
Hey Katie, thanks for your comments. I didn't get to write quite as in depth into their love story as I wanted yet but I will add more! =) Thanks again!
DeleteHi Chrystal! First off, what a cool way to adapt the story! I like how you've broken up each story using colored blocks. It really makes it easy to see that the story is shifting. I might actually employ that in my own storybook! Content-wise, you've done a great job!Smart decision using lions for their power; it definitely parallels the power of gods. I also like how similar you kept the story to the original. When making such a drastic change in settings and characters, it is nice to have an anchor to the original story.
ReplyDeleteThe most notable issues throughout your storybook are simply punctuation (mostly commas). I've listed a few just so you see where to look within your stories. Hopefully you will understand my denotation methods.
Intro, fourth paragraph: "I don't plan to stay completely true to the original story as I write mine*comma* but some important..."
First story, first paragraph: "... breeding with no strings attached*comma* but a fair few decided..."
First story, second paragraph: "Now, lions are keen hunters*comma* but they’re not prone..."
The comma challenge seems like a good revision challenge to do. Easy mistakes to make, and they're just as easy to fix up!
Hey Todd, thank you for the input. I'll do some more research, because commas with "but" have never been easy for me.
DeleteHi Chrystal, I am taking the Indian Epics course and I love reading from this course. Helps change up the norm for me. I really enjoyed reading your story about the fertility and love lions. Going through and reading this I was not sure who the characters were except for Aphrodite. I recognized the similar name and what the character was doing. Your author's note really helped explain the rest of the characters and answered the questions I had about them. I really enjoyed the layout of your story as well. The color changes really help the reader know when the topic is shifting or where something new begins. However I did see some grammatical errors but I am sure these have been pointed out to you already. The pictures you chose helped set up the scenes very well and helped put images of the characters into my head. This was a great story and I really enjoyed reading your storybook.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your feedback! =)
DeleteThis is a very interesting take on Cupid and Psyche and a great idea for a Storybook! I think it’s awesome how you found a way to incorporate your love of cats into the stories. You effectively left the reader with a sense of intrigue and wanting to read your stories at the end of your introduction. I really liked the pictures you used for the first story. They set the scene and gave me a visual for the characters in the story as I was reading. I also think it was helpful that you gave a little background at the top of the page before we dove into the story. It was interesting how you had two mini stories within your first story; I thought it worked well and you clearly divided them with two separate headers so it wasn’t confusing. Your author’s note also did a good job of clarifying the original source story from your story. Great work!
ReplyDelete^^ Sorry about the duplicate comment, I was signed into the wrong account.
ReplyDeleteI think you did awesome with Amoralite and showing the wrath of a goddess; it's a common theme in mythology, so I was happy to see it! Like always, you wrote the characters nicely. I think it would be nice to expand on Enoc's feelings towards his mother-- I was curious if he just simply accepted her plan to vengeance or if he was hesitant, but just did it because of their relation.
I also think it would be interesting if you explored Cyrilla's emotions more! While you do address her confusion and her love for Enoc, I think you could definitely go more in-depth with it-- maybe go into her mindset and have her be conflicted? Like she knows she can trust him but doesn't necessarily know why and she doesn't know how these feelings of romance suddenly came up.
Other than that, good job as always! Enjoying your story.
That's alright. It happens! Thanks for the input. In the 3rd story, there is definitely going to be more about her mindset and conflicted emotions! The second was meant to leave you wondering. :)
DeleteHey Chrystal! I really enjoyed your interpretation of the Cupid and Psyche story! I never even thought of changing characters into animals! It definitely makes the story more magical and fun to write!
ReplyDeleteI read the original version of the story, and it was such a good story! I like how you changed the characters' names, but kept them pretty true to their namesake!
I was curious to see what Cyrilla's feelings were on the whole situation? Does she miss her family? Does she know she is banished from the pride? Does she just accept this new life she has stumbled upon?
I assume the goddess knows of Cyrilla's beauty from just watching, but I was curious how the goddess came to know of the beauty and desire of Cyrilla?
I like how you left the story on a positive note with a small comment that actually makes it quite a cliffhanger! I'm excited to read the rest, but if you stick with the original story, I basically know what to expect! Overall, good job!
Thank you so much Sabrina. The next story is definitely going to have a little more detail about how Cyrilla feels and explain her emotions during this! :)
DeleteCupid and Psyche is one of my favorite Greek myths! I loved how he fell in love with her not for her beauty and the same with her. Anyway, I really like how you chose to retell the story in a pride of lions. I thought it would be really strange to read at first, but I like it a lot! You definitely did a lot of research about lions. I like how you put a lot of pictures throughout as well! It really helps to break up the story. I'm not sure if I'm as much a fan of the different colored backgrounds because it made me think that it was a separate component at first rather than a whole story, but it is different! I am definitely very curious about how Enoc bestows the "love bug" on the lions, and I really like how you set up Amoralite's worship although I also find it strange that she had a cub. Anyway great start and can't wait to read the rest!
ReplyDeleteTHE WAYS OF THE PRIDE:
ReplyDeleteThe format you chose here is nice and clean: dividing up major ideas with headings.
We have two focuses from the looks of things, so I'm anxious to see how they intertwine.
You might want to make the focus more directed at Amoralite instead of Enoc in the second vignette. I was expecting something about Enoc, but it turned out to be about his mother instead.
The third vignette's conclusion could be a bit more vague, I feel. Foreshadowing can be effective, but I feel the way it is written now takes the drama out of what's to come since we know exactly what will happen.
Overall: Nice, clean formatting with well-established backgrounds on our two focuses. Plot delivery could be restructured in the second vignette for coherence and the third vignette for suspense to make it more compelling. Keep up the good work.
JEALOUSY, BETRAYAL, AND PASSION
Nice drama set up here: an internal conflict between Enoc and Cyrilla, and impending wrath between Amoralite and Cyrilla's father. Just a little bit more focus on this will really make the plot more compelling.
Do we have a name for Cyrilla's father? It feels a tad unnatural that he is the only supporting character with no name so far.
I think a bit more foreshadowing is needed here, as ending with the happy ending without an underlying sense of unease feels a bit empty.
Overall: I like where this plot is going. Some more focus on character feelings and connection to a still ongoing plot will kepe your readers' attention. Keep at it.